Lessons from Grief
March 28th marks the three year anniversary since my dad was murdered.
In one lens, I cannot believe that much time has already passed, in the other lense, I feel like it was a lifetime ago that I received the call that changed my world forever.
Last year I reflected on my grief and how yoga has impacted my processing of the event in a healthier manner (click here to read my post on yoga & grief). Last year, I felt like I was in a good place with my grief. I felt acceptance, sadness, but positivity. I felt at peace with the situation and calm in my loss.
Over the past month leading up to this day, the trauma and grief has been re-stirred as the trial for the murder case is finally looking like it is approaching, although it still is sloooooow in occurring.
I have tried to keep my healing journey and the legal process completely separate in my heart and mind, because I knew it could be a lengthy process. I did not want legal timelines to dictate my grieving.
However, I felt them collide in the last few weeks as I went to court for the first time, in these initial trial proceedings.
I saw them. I saw the four men who were arrested in relation to this case.
I knew there was a chance they would be there and the anticipation of seeing their faces filled me with dread and fear.
This, along with some mantras helped me face that day with strength and less negativity.
The mantras I kept repeating were:
Hurt people hurt people
Why NOT me?
All things are lessons
Hurt People Hurt People
A good friend told me this once and it really stuck with me and has helped me deal with many situations. I teach it to my students and try to teach them how to see those who have hurt them differently.
When I saw those men, instead of feeling anger or fear, I felt incredible sadness. I realized they must have suffered incredible hurts to hurt others.They have caused a tremendous amount of pain to my own family and I am sure their own. It felt incredibly sad.
Why NOT me?
I am no one special. I am not above this world’s suffering and I believe I have been called to this earth, at this time to help ease others’ sufferring, so why should I be exempt? I think at times I have been caught up in a “Why Me?” cycle, but asking “Why NOT Me?” snaps me out of this and keeps me recognizing there is a plan and purpose for the pain.
All things are lessons
My spiritual sister has introduced me to Iyanla Vanzant and I have not been able to stop watching her talks and episodes of Fix My Life. I watched a particular speech the day before going to court entitled Let Your Light Shine. This helped me to remember that there is something to be learned through this situation, it’s not about someone or something being out to get me, there is and will be positive that comes out of it all. I am learning about forgiveness, resiliency, strength, support, vulnerability and unconditional love.
As I continue to learn how to be vulnerable and ask for help when I need it, I freely admit that I am struggling today and although I am trying to keep a healthy perspective, I am OK with saying grief is tough and I no longer put pressure on myself to be “over it.” I hope to embrace and be present with the process and cope as healthy as possible.
My dad’s life and death left me with both great joy and great sadness. I am still learning how to make those both apart of myself.